a little bit sad and a little bit lost and getting terribly tired.

awol appetite

I did say I should lose weight, and could manage that if I remembered to eat according to what my body burns. I had been eating slightly more than when I still had time to go to the gym 3 times a week, and that has been a horrible formula. and then...

Lost my appetite yesterday, and I’m not really sure why. Woke up with body pain, achy muscles and achy bones. Headed to the kitchen for breakfast and ditched my usual mug of barako coffee. Consumed only half of my half bowl of special K, and a small glass of apple juice. ate 1 skyflakes cracker at noon. Quarter of an apple at 6, and a cup of oatmeal at 10pm. Slept in between, as I nursed a fever and more body pain. No more fever and body pain today, but the appetite is still absent. same small glass of apple juice for breakfast. Cooked sausage and egg for the boys for lunch, but I only tried a small bite of each before realizing eating was a mistake. Had 2 marshmallows in the afternoon, a handful of root crop chips (hello sweet potato, purple yam etc.), and a cheeseburger for dinner. I did have a cup of tea after the chips as my headache told me I was having caffeine withdrawal, and plain tea would do the trick. yes, you read that, we went to mcdonald's for dinner. it what BBB calls "fine scottish dining." 

It has all been interesting, this not having a desire to eat. My stomach usually takes the lead in telling me it is mealtime, but i have not been receiving signals lately. I could now really say that this idea of consuming food is all in my head. And it has been strangely liberating, not having to think of what to eat, or what I shouldn’t eat (being 35 and having zero exercise other than lifting a 2 year old). This is the diet/fasting period I always thought I could manage, that I only imagined but never put into action, as I am not a diet person. It did come with a fever, headache, body pain, and 1 day of zero action, so i really don't know what's going on. 

Will talk to the scales when this is over.  

all still clear

Very rarely does a dream stick to me longer than the hour after waking. This one lingers. It was the guitarist of a rock band. And I was giddy in the dream (having a real time, school-girl era crush on the man, since their band was first popular when I was in college in the mid-nineties), and we were picking up from having been introduced for real last month. He was interested and I was interested, and the prospect was making me all giddy in a shivers-oh-my-god this-is-so-exciting-cool in a way I haven’t felt for a long time.  

It was the cross-over between reality and the dreaming that makes the dream linger long after other dreams have returned to the ether. And let me not analyze this dream for I know exactly what it means. 

is this jet lag?

just 31 hours after arriving back in cebu from the UK, i'm waiting for jet lag to hit me, and it hasn't. is this the un/jet lag? close to midnight and still operating at normal speed. have had a full day of unpacking and grocery shopping and house-fixing amidst playing with and looking after LP. even cooked chicken cacciatore for dinner accompanied by fresh mango juice, but we cheated and went to mcdonald's for lunch.

LP is not doing as well as he woke up several times last night not sure where he was and wanting a cuddle each time. i had to move his crib closer to our bed to help him settle (having him in with us not an option). and then he was whiny this morning, and refused to nap and refused dinner this evening save for a few morsels of rice and chicken.

anyways, i shall not question this too much as it might turn around and hit me full force. i was expecting bad jet lag as i always have had it arriving back to the philippines from europe. maybe it was the cold weather. or maybe i inhaled ash-cloud tainted air. whatever. bedtime. 

suddenly summer

i knew the first quarter of 2011 was gonna fly by fast, butnotthisfast.


yesterday, i realized, wow, its summer. philippine summer. and today i noticed it was almost 6pm and it was still light outside. 


except it doesn't really feel like it because we are busy getting on with all the things that need doing. lately we have been:


~ buying plants for our garden. our helper E has been using the 3rd day of her 3-day work week clearing the back garden of debris (rusty nails! broken bottles!), trimming the grass and such, and BBB and i have been encouraged to buy some plants to put in. in the back of my mind, i am planning how to dig them up and haul them away for the next time we move. we have purchased a over Php 2000 of various bits like peanut plants, sampaguita, mayana etc. some for blooms, some for color, some for smell, some just because. 


~ trying to get to the LP's pedia to get him a clean bill of health. amoebiasis is not a joke and we wanted to make sure he is all clear. and yes he is, except stool tests indicate he needs to restore his good bacteria. fortunately, he is rediscovering yogurt. he was off it since feb. and he got his booster for the pneumoccocal virus today. jab in the arm. did not cry, but he did give the doc a nasty look to say "what the heck was that for?!" check-up and jab was Php 3500 


~ inquiring about Gymboree's summer program, which is 3x a week (1.5 hours each) from april 25 to may 21. i had thought to make his Gymboree days more frequent in preparation for nursery school (which is 4x a week, 2 hours per). an i guess we are going to do that one. the summer program is Php 9300 for 3 weeks


~ and in preparation for Gymboree nursery school in June, we had to bring LP in for an assessment. which he passed. duh. he is interested in things, can follow instructions, and etc. despite being under 2 years old by june, which is their main requirement.


~ EB the painter/carpenter all around guy has been busy making 2 wardrobes for me and BBB. BBB and i figured that the cost of having 2 custom made is the price of 1 of these store bought ones we don't like. we're talking Php 10,000 for labor and materials for 2 EB custom wardrobes. and because fussiness can be in our blood but dressing out of giant plastic storage boxes is driving me insane, we went for the custom option. it is nothing fancy, but it works. and one day i will post pictures in this blog. 


~ and LP has been busy playing. our helper E has a little boy who is 5 years old, and her youngest daughter is around 10. we don't mind her bringing the kids around (so she can keep her eye on them rather than leaving them home alone) because LP then gets instant playmates! all around fun. and some peaceful work time for me. but i still get up every few minutes to see what they are up to. this house is too big sometimes. 

letter # 040111

dear LP,


sometimes i wish had two lives. one dedicated entirely to bringing you up the best possible way. the other one for me. 


the one for you is obvious now but something you may or may not remember later on ~ letting you pull my hand so you can reach something you want or go somewhere you want to go; catching you every time you spin yourself dizzy or when you want to play rag doll boy; sitting outside with you to watch ants and butterflies; stomping to make big splashes in two inches of bathwater...


but instead, sometimes, my hands are busy cooking dinner or washing the dishes, and i need you to stop being dizzy or being a rag doll so i can concentrate on the phone call i need to make. i need to sit at my laptop instead of sitting with you outside, and i need to turn off the shower taps so we can get on with the day. 


with two such lives, one can always be Mummy, and the other one can be Me. and Me won't have to steal sleep time from Mummy so Me can write the multi-million peso contract that hopefully gets approved. and Me won't have second thoughts about being away on location shoots because Mummy will always be with you. and Me won't have to hurry up on multiple errands because Mummy is looking after you. Me won't get cross when you try to play with the sewing box, and anyway that tempting sewing box full of interesting bits shouldn't be out because really, Me was stealing Mummy's playtime with LP. and you know what? Mummy actually never gets cross because she doesn't have to think about financial independence and other big grown up words like Me does. and Me doesn't have to think twice when a job offer comes her way that requires long hours of concentration doing research and writing, unbroken by things like mixing a bottle of milk, preparing a healthy lunch, and changing nappies. 


and Mummy doesn't cry, like i did yesterday, because i was tired of being mummy and just wanted to be me sometimes. not all the time. just sometimes. 


so help me, ok? and don't bite me when you are overwhelmed with affection for me. 

unintentional ska night

it was a work night after all. work being accompanying our new-ish marketing girl to represent BR at the Outpost for Earth Hour. a bike ride had been organized and we were a minor sponsor, there to see what was going on and see how people reacted to our new product.


wowzashit. i don't know what i was imagining the turn out to be. the parking lot was full of bikers and bicycles. and when i stepped out onto the street, it was lined with more! the count was 780 registered participants and 30+ marshals. i caught the start on video too!


and then it turned out, it was ska night at the outpost. facebook had told me this earlier, but such bits of info seem to pass me by easily since LP came along. 


and then i saw Marla of Island Joe. and i asked if she was singing. she said she wasn't sure (i learned later that only Dindo was schedule to sing, since Marla was supposed to fly out of town, except she missed her flight).


not sure became why not, as i heard her on the microphone with dindo and the rest of island joe. my "going home around 10:30pm" became "maybe after midnight" in my text to BBB who was home minding LP.


ska ska ska! i will not go at length about island joe's performance here. 


ok, i will. as usual, Marla and Dindo's singing were unbelievable and the musicians were tight. the only thing wrong with the picture was that Japan-based cleofas who's part of their horn section was in the crowd and not onstage, and i told him so. 


the outpost's wooden floor was absolutely vibrating, people were seriously dancing and singing along and having fun, and the aircon died. and i lost my voice. it was seriously ike being in a sauna. i don't remember the last time i was out dancing and singing like that. certainly before LP came along.


i decided to sit out the next set, which was Who's Next, also fronted by dindo (how he does it, i have no idea). also absolutely excellent and worth staying out for. 


i did lose the stress spot i had in my back. brought about by LP's new whining thing. but that is for another post.